Foreign Love Hurts
There are times in life when you can ask yourself questions, others ask you the same questions, and then you ask yourself the questions again. You try to answer them objectively, but it’s impossible to be completely honest with yourself. And then one day you just get it. Yesterday was that day.
Vanesa and I have been looking at apartments for the past 2 weeks. At the beginning of this week, we looked into the possibility of buying an apartment and then selling it in 3 years or so. Rather than losing rent money, we could theoretically come out far ahead with this option. After scrutinizing the numbers and seeking the advice of my dad and brother, I just couldn’t make it work. I had peace about renting but never with forcing the idea of buying. Paul finally helped me realize I was comparing apples to oranges.
After talking this over for an hour, Vanesa joined us and we did a video chat for about 25 minutes. Toward the end, Paul asked us questions that he and Leah had discussed concerning the difficulty of Vanesa living in the United States or me living in Argentina. They were the same questions we’d been asking ourselves since day one and that our families had asked us as well. We both had come to the conclusion that we wanted to live with the other person wherever it might be. We didn’t want to sacrifice being with the other person out of fear of the unknown.
It’s not that we ignored the reality of marrying someone from another country and culture. Sometimes you cannot force yourself to understand fully or realize a reality. Something has to compel you to do so whether it be a life change, a tragedy, or the counsel of others. For us it has been the recent planning in regard to marriage, an apartment here in Buenos Aires, and the likelihood of moving to the United States. It has allowed us to examine ourselves in a way that was not possible before. What we are confronting right now is this: We are both willing to live wherever it might be and sacrifice, but are we able? The two do not always go hand in hand.
I broke down in tears last night and laid my feeling on the line. Vanesa is the best things that has ever happened to me. Without any doubt she is a gift from God and I love her with all of my heart. There is nothing about her personality or character that gives me pause when considering marrying her. The difficulty is that I cannot say with certainty that I can live in Argentina the rest of my life. I am an American in my heart, love my country, and have a passion to help its people. What’s more is I think differently and crave the opportunity, optimism, and law and order that exists in the United States. The limitations and problems of Latin America are going to take their toll on me at some point.
From Vanesa’s point of view, she is willing to move to the United States but also has fear of not being able to adapt. No one in her family has ever been on an airplane and their perspective is much more localized. In her heart she is Argentine and Latin and has a passion to help the people of Latin America. Also, she cannot imagine raising her children without her mom or sister nearby. What’s more is that the sacrifices I’ve made in regards to coming here, struggling through a new language, and adapting have gone somewhat under the radar and seem commonplace now. Conversely, the process of learning English, adapting to a new culture, and making new friends would be considered part of her sacrifice for me as part of marriage. And if she couldn’t bear this process, it could serve as reason for us to return to Argentina.
I’m in tears as I pray about this. This is not going to be a fun process for either one of us, but it’s necessary. I am broken and without answers right now. No decision has ever scared me this much. But this also presents an opportunity for growth. We need to hear God’s voice and know what he wants for our lives. While it tears me apart and is the worst thing I can imagine right now, if we have to go our separate ways, it’s better to so before marriage. With all my heart I pray we find the solution to this quandary. The difficulty lies in using both faith and the analytical abilities God gives us. Neither of us wants the 9-5 lifestyle and to settle into a routine. Perhaps God has something extraordinary that we cannot comprehend right now. Just because something appears difficult does not mean God is not in the situation. On the contrary, he often uses these trials to purify us and remind us of our dependence upon him. I would appreciate the prayers of anyone willing to bring this situation before God.
hey, i’ll pray! My initial thought was “well, what would you two do with your lives if you were single? Are those two things complimentary?” But then I thought “but it seems like the real problem is that your families are a hemisphere apart.” that’s sounds incredibly hard to reconcile. thinking and praying for wisdom here.