I’m An American
To say I haven’t been myself lately would be an understatement. This explains the lack of blog writing, for which I’m sorry. I’m very much looking forward to going home to see my family, speak in English, and just plain relax. Generally I’m not a worrier and do not get overly anxious. I had planned to look for a job and get going with planning the future, but have not done that. The last two months have been filled with worry and a lack of peace that has handicapped me. It’s not an excuse because it’s still my fault for letting the situation get the best of me. My faith and trust has not been focused on God very much and this really bothers me. It has been directed more to worry. This has to stop because I want to be a person of faith and not full of fear. I want to come to some sort of conclusion.
With more time in a foreign culture, it’s only inevitable that one misses the surroundings in which they were raised. But this isn’t so much a short-term missing home as it is trying to get a handle on a long-term perspective. Latin America has given me at least one unequivocal realization: I’m an American–and not just a little American either. As a conservative, the appreciation and love of country and the desire to maintain its traditions and greatness makes the attachment all that much stronger. I’m proud of my roots and believe living in the United States is a privilege one cannot understand until they are deprived of it for an extended (not just 2 week vacation) period of time. The heritage we gained from the English is something truly special that I hope to study and understand more in depth.
I’ve come to the painful, yet necessary realization that my dreams and future are in the United States. I say painful only because I have an girlfriend from another country. If I have to choose between Vanesa and living in the U.S., it’s not a contest. I pick the United States. This makes me feel cold and heartless, incapable of loving. Yet it’s the reality of life. While I enjoy my time here and love learning Spanish, I do not want to live here. Being here for a couple of years is one thing. The rest of my life is something that scares me to death.
Earlier, with less time in country and less perspective, I told Vanesa I could live with her in Argentina if it became necessary. Two weekends ago, I had to tell her I had realized I didn’t have this ability. Oh how we cried that weekend. At first she was devastated. She never wanted much–only a man that would love her with everything and do anything to be with her. It pained me to say that I could love her with everything minus one condition, the country.
But what if we live in the U.S.? This is the conundrum that torments me right now. Despite my inability to reciprocate the sentiment, Vanesa says she will live with me anywhere in the world. Even if it’s difficult, she wants to be with me and cannot imagine losing with me. This may very well be the case, but I can’t accept it right now because she has no sense of perspective. While her life has changed a great deal with the addition of a boyfriend, it’s not that different. She’s simply plugged me into her life. Consequently, she continues to feel closer to me even as I feel more distant. My great fear is that she can confidently commit now but will not be able to bear being without her homeland after we’ve lived in the U.S. for a while.
I’m torn because I see the peril and uncertainty in the situation. The cultural differences and mindset differences between a Latin American and a North American become clearer every day. At the same time, Vanesa is someone special with a love for me like I had never imagined. This type of love and commitment from a woman is not something to be pushed aside or labeled as common. Many people go their whole lives without ever encountering what I could have with her. Vanesa could be a special gift from God that requires faith and willingness to fight through the difficulties. I don’t want to make the decision in ignorance of the challenges. But I also don’t want to shy away from it because I want something comfortable and predictable. I don’t know what type of love I possess, whether it’s deep enough or not. I may have it but it’s currently masked by fear and uncertainty. I may have it but it drives me to say we can’t do this because I know how difficult it will be for her. Or maybe I don’t have a deep enough love and this situation is allowing me to realize it now, ahead of time.
I don’t have many answers right now. This is why it will be so nice to be at home. I need to be in a comfortable, familiar place to be able to clearly think about the most important decision of my life. I’m not capable of making it here in Buenos Aires. I’ve tried and it’s only exhausted me to the point where it hinders my ability to speak and think in Spanish. Being home will relax me, give me a different perspective, and time to seek the counsel of those I love. Despite my shortcomings in asking and trusting God, there’s no time like the present to begin. I want to do his will and hear from him. The lack of peace right now is a gift from him and I’m not going to make a decision one way or the other until I have his peace.
I miss everyone very much and look forward to seeing you. It’s going to be a really enjoyable trip home. And the blogging will get going again, I promise!
