Kyle Berg

I put my apartment up for rent on Craiglist and figured it would be a good idea to do some cleaning. I don’t mind cleaning, but I always seem to overlook the windows. So, for the first time since I moved in, I cleaned the windows. After cleaning the inside of the sliding patio doors, I stepped on the balcony to clean the other side. The problem was that I closed both doors in order to clean the glass and forgot they locked and only opened from the inside.

I realized my error while cleaning the second window. At first I thought, “Hmmm…Ooops…That wasn’t smart.” But I didn’t freak out because it seemed like a mistake you make in a dream or on a TV sitcom, not in real life. So I went back to cleaning and then it hit me. “I’m stuck on the balcony!” My keys were inside and the owners of the apartment were out of the country with the other set. I couldn’t call a locksmith because it was Sunday and with my security door that has 4 bolts that turn with 1 key, it would either be impossible or more expensive than I could have imagined. I sent a text message to my friend JD to let him know there wasn’t much point in coming over, given the circumstance. He suggested breaking the glass, and again, it seemed surreal. “Do I really have to break a window that is taller than I am? There has to be another way!” I sent a text to Maria’s brother Pablo asking if he knew a locksmith. He told me that it would be cheaper to replace the glass than for a locksmith to open a security door on a Sunday.

I’m no glass expert, but I knew it wouldn’t be cheap to replace such large, double pane glass. I laid down to think for a few minutes, but nothing came to me. I couldn’t jump because it was 15-20 feet to the ground. Jumping to the neighbor’s balcony seemed like one option, but that was still at least 6 feet with no chance for a running start. And if I missed, a broken neck awaited me below. Plus, the landlords were out of town and I still wouldn’t be able to enter the apartment. The doors had a lot of flex and I was able to force them apart in the middle and place part of my arm inside. But I wasn’t even close to reaching the latch and I couldn’t insert more than my forearm. Lastly, I had visions of some MacGyver-like ending as I pulled off a small branch from a nearby tree. I tried using this as an extension of my arm. I could reach the distance of the lock, but I had little control and would not be able to generate any force even if I was lucky enough to find the latch. After an hour and a half or more, I finally resigned myself to breaking the glass.

This was no ordinary glass. It was tough stuff–which made me realize even more that this would not be cheap. There happened to be 2 large rocks on the balcony. These were used to hold the shutters open and were the perfect size for such a job. Had they not been there, I wouldn’t have stood a chance of breaking that glass. I pummeled the door 6 or 7 times, but nothing happened other than making a few marks and a lot of noise. I quickly had the attention of the whole neighborhood and the adults across the street eyed me with suspicion. Eventually, after about 20 healthy whacks, the glass shattered and I reached through and opened that elusive latch.

As a general rule, it’s not a good idea to put a hole in your house–especially when it’s going to be 95 degrees the next day. But I guess it’s better than sleeping outside on a stone balcony when it’s 95 degrees and you’re without water. I taped a couple garbage bags over the opening. I’m not sure if they’re doing any good, but it makes me feel better about running the air conditioning. They came by to measure on Tuesday and called me back with a price of 439 pesos. Hopefully it will be fixed by the end of next week and the hole won’t scare away any prospective apartment renters.

I won’t mention any of my frustration. Let’s just say when it rains, it pours. Life happens and sometimes the timing just seems cruel. Also, I dropped my small camera in Parque Monte Leon as well. It doesn’t seem to be focusing too well for these pictures.