Kyle Berg

I’m remembering back to one of my Bible classes when Dr. Lamp talked about the Trinity. While I cannot recall the context of the statement, his words struck me because they expressed an idea much different than anything I had heard before. He was describing the unity and intimacy between the three members of the Godhead. We do not have an arrangement perfectly analogous to that divine union, was his premise. He went on to say that the closest representation of that intimacy is that which exists in the sexual relationship between a husband and a wife. That statement struck me. Here he claimed sex was the most beautiful representation of unity we had, and yet most of the messages we received growing up conveyed something to the contrary.

“Save yourself for marriage,” we were told. “But why?” would seem to be the natural question of an adolescent. Yet, many of us did not ask that. We knew that “good Christians” waited for marriage, but for some reason, we were seldom told why in a positive context. We were warned of the dangers of spending too much time alone, kissing for too long, staying out past a certain time, the reality of pregnancy, the growing exposure to venereal diseases, etc. And then there were all the awkward expressions, jokes, comments, and silences when the topic of sex did arise. For many of us, there was so much denigration, mystery, and avoidance of sex that we were left to think it dirty, only done out of duty to produce offspring, or necessary to satisfy those evil hormones.

I’m just going to come right out and say it. In July I will be 27 years old and that is a long time to be abstinent—too long if you ask me or any healthy young person. Celibate is an adjective I would just as soon banish from my descriptors as soon as possible. But until marriage comes along, it is a reality of the life I have chosen. While it’s frustrating to no end, I am not trying to complain or make some sort of show here. But a few observations and questions have been percolating in my mind for a long time and I wonder how many people my age ask the same things. The fight of abstinence is difficult enough the way it is. But there exist at least 2 outside phenomena that make our goal all the much more challenging.

The first difficulty is the pervasiveness of sexual content throughout our media. This point almost goes without saying and is a soapbox for many who hearken back to their childhood environment. Lascivious images and references saturate our lives. There can be no denying this. So, let’s start with this first influence and concede that, for the foreseeable future, the situation is unlikely to improve. Sure, the depravity is disturbing and reprehensible. But why did no one go beyond decrying this and explain how fundamental sex is to our humanity? Why is it so hard for us to admit that it can be one of the most satisfying and moving activities in which humans participate? Perhaps there’s a reason that so many people are obsessed with it, albeit often in an unhealthy way? What really surprised me when I finally started dating at 25 years of age was how natural our urges are. I had always thought they were lustful and carnal. But they were not this way at all. What I found was that the more time you are with someone and as your love for each other grows, there is a desire to express and share it in a physical way. The longing for this was as natural as eating or breathing. When one is not pursuing one night stands or jumping from bed to bed, it is not necessarily a matter of putting down our nature. It is rather a willingness to honestly examine the situation and accept that mutual love has a natural outlet and that we must make a conscious choice to retard that expression, not deny or demean it.

Secondly, and dovetailing with the recognition of our nature, as Christians we need to promote responsible pursuit of relationships and encourage marriage at a younger age. If one were to examine most of history, they would find people commonly married in the mid to late teenage years. Heck, the mother of Jesus is believed to have been all of 13 or 14 when she conceived. Our bodies go through puberty and are ready to take on reproductive functions afterward. And so while we are invaded from the outside by more and more enticement, we keep delaying longer and longer that for which our bodies are created. Somewhere along the line we decided that children were less capable than before, we lengthened the time required for maturation, and then decided they needed to finish college and establish a career before getting married. This has created a doubly cruel and pernicious reality where the sexual pressures are greater than ever and yet the age at which we can embrace sex in good conscience and responsibility is pushed further into the future. Perhaps it’s time we stop discouraging our kids to date but instead teach them what to look for, encourage them to search for relationships, and give them freedom to make mistakes and learn from them. Isn’t that a better demonstration of love than always telling them to keep their pants on, or pressuring them to “settle down” before marriage, all the while hoping that one day they’ll just “get it” or that it will magically go right? Would not our call to be “in the world but not of it” apply to our thinking regarding family life and putting that first? Are we really trying to produce the best future generation possible and teach children responsibility? Or are we so scared of the sin around us that we play a prevent defense by just trying to keep them from screwing up? Have we gotten spooked by all the pregnancies we see in church and withdrawn further? I am not suggesting that we use marriage as a method of safe sex. What I am saying is that our outlook on the raising of children and marriage is often influenced by cultural norms, Dr. Phil, and our neighbors more than by our faith.

If the sexual relationship is given to us as a gift from God and is the closest earthly representation of the intimacy within the Trinity, should not Christians treasure it for allowing us to see and understand a little more of the intense, passionate love God has for us? If children are a gift and sex within marriage sustains and improves intimacy between a husband and wife, allowing them to express their love in ways words cannot, thus making stronger families, shouldn’t we be among sex’s biggest proponents? It seems to me that Christians have reason to be some of the most sexual people on the planet.

I have found that most quality women, religious and irreligious alike, have a great deal of respect for men who care enough to wait and commit themselves to their partner in marriage. What if, instead of trying to scare Christian young men into keeping their fly zipped, we taught them how to pursue a woman at a younger age and to do it respectfully? What if we taught them that a woman who feels protected, cared for, and loved within a marriage could be the most sexually active, passionate, and fulfilling partner he could ever imagine, and that that’s a good thing?

Sex has been around since the beginning and will be with us the remainder of our lives. It’s simply a matter of whether we choose to recognize it for what it is, at its best and not just at its worst. This is hypothetical for me and maybe I’m an idealist. But these are the questions and hopes I have for myself, my future family, and Christians collectively.